Those Who Are Forgiven Much, a 40 Days For Life message by Jennifer Cassidy
Presented at the midpoint rally, Germantown Md, March 23rd 2014
My hope is that at some point while I'm speaking, you will each have a ‘goosebumpy’ feeling. I have told parts of this story several times and I have without fail ALWAYS gotten that chill, that goosebumpy feeling, when I’m describing the way that God arranges things to eliminate any doubt that He has His hand in the details. As one woman commented after hearing my story, ‘God is so intimately loving, so kind, and so intentional.’ I am a lover of words and I pause at intentional. ‘Done on purpose, WITH purpose. Deliberate, calculated, conscious, -intended. Meant, knowing, willful, planned.’ God is intentional and has a plan for us. A purposeful, deliberate, calculated, conscious, intended, meaningful, knowing, willful plan. We are all familiar with Joshua 29:11 which says “‘I know the plans I have for you’, declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’” My message today is about how God has given me hope… and my daughter a future.
My message today is also about that ‘plan’, the plan God has for each of us. It is about arriving at a place in our lives where we sometimes wonder ‘Did I *ruin* God’s plan for my life?’ It’s about answering the question of if that’s even possible… to ‘ruin’ God’s plan for your life. Surely it can seem so. In Psalm 73:26 David says “My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion, forever.” Is that ever so true. I have come to believe that it is no surprise to God when we do fail -we would have to be perfect in order not to- and that his intention is to become our strength and comfort. Forever. So here goes…
I was ‘pro-life’ early on. I understood that my mother had had me when she was young. She had gotten pregnant at 18 in 1978, and being five years after Roe v. Wade, she had fought to keep me when her adoptive mother had pushed for her to terminate. I have always been thankful that she didn’t, of course. I am sure that fueled my interest in taking a stand for life. As a young teen, I went with my mother when she volunteered at Birthright. I raked their leaves because I was too young to help inside. I carried the tiny plastic babies in my middle school back pack. I wore pro-life tee shirts to school. I voiced opinions and argued with teachers. I have attended many March for Life events in Annapolis. While a highschooler, I electioneered for Dole and handed out fliers explaining the partial-birth procedure that had been legalized under Clinton. I did literature drops of these fliers in church parking lots… and was often told to leave. That political work was through Md Right to Life and that year I manned their table at the county fair. The next year I won their oratorical contest. But not to boast, I was the only entry for my county and won at county level by default. My parents had been divorced for a while by then, but they were both instrumental in forming and supporting my convictions.
I was compassionate for the cause, but had not developed a lot of compassion for the women. I was young and idealistic, without much life experience. Several years later, once married, I suffered with infertility and my attitude worsened. Without meaning to be that way, I was critical of everything I felt was not right or not fair. Unwed pregnancies, pregnancies resulting from affairs, even the woman at church who was surprised to be pregnant with her fourth… WHY were all of these women blessed, and continually blessed, with children? And a woman who conceived and terminated? That was the worst of all as I hurt so badly wondering if I would ever have a biological child. I had married a man who had his own child while still in high school, and I had found that my disappointment after five years of infertility was destroying my enthusiasm for the family as a whole. Being a part-time step parent was not going to be enough for me. I admittedly had a spiritual breakdown realizing I would turn thirty without having had a child of my own. Nothing was fair and did God not care? It’s not the waiting that hurts and is so hard, it’s wondering if you are waiting in vain -without purpose. After nearly six years together, I was able to conceive my son. (I had been 30 for two months when he was born.) When he turned one, I became pregnant with my first daughter. At 22 months apart, they are now 3 and almost 5. They are my everything. They made it so that I could hardly prepare this speech- but they are my everything. There is a quote that circulates fb that reads: ‘Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not, but remember that *what you now have was once among the things you had only hoped for*.’ Infertility was a pain that I swore I would never forget. Sadly, I sometimes have.
Almost 2 years ago, my marriage was falling apart. I had been pregnant with my third (my husband’s fourth) and had lost that pregnancy. My sister had been ejected from her vehicle in a horrible car accident and suffered a major brain injury. My husband’s favorite brother had passed unexpectedly. We had taken our landlord to court and were being forced to move because he had rigged our utilities to provide service to two other units and then harassed us when we figured it out. I suffered anxiety from the harassment, my husband withdrew emotionally in his mourning of his brother, and things were not good. We got settled into a new home and things should have gotten better but they never did. I tried to put our lives back together in the next six months, but by April my husband was gone. That was a year ago. …It’s been a long year.
The fighting had been bad enough that we both settled on feeling relieved to be apart. For different reasons, neither of us saw any hope for things to be better. Personally, I was hurt. We had definitely been through hard times in our marriage but we had gotten to ten years of marriage only for it to fall apart. I wish I could have seen any hope at all for us at that time, even if he didn’t. Any hope that I could love him again and want us together. I had no vision for that at all. All I saw was pain and injustice. His family supported him in his decision to leave, I felt that no one encouraged him to make things right, and that assumed rejection of me only worsened the pain. Looking back, I wish I had sat in my home alone, kept my wedding band on, cried by myself, prayed for restoration, and somehow found the strength to not sin through my pain. But I didn’t have the strength to not sin through my pain. I didn’t have that clarity of thought. And although God did not want me to sin, the result of my sin… which he knew about and was not surprised by… was part of a plan.
I tell this next detail of my story not to draw up the past or place blame with my husband… that’s not my intention at all… but rather because it’s a little bit funny. Soon after we were separated I went onto an online dating site and set up a profile halfheartedly. I wasn’t paying for use of the site so I couldn’t communicate with anyone but as soon as I completed my profile they provided me with my suggested ‘matches’, and there, to my dismay, was my husband. I had just been matched on a dating site to my own husband. This was definitely a turning point for me, though. I was already devastated but now decided that I wasn’t able to care anymore. Leaving was one thing, but how I saw him present himself as someone looking for a new relationship was another. Sure, I was looking into doing that myself… I know… but he was a step ahead of me. And that hurt. The idea that HE was someone who needed to find a new partner because *I* was so unbearable… that was more than I could stand. To his credit, he started asking me to attend counseling with him shortly after this but I was completely closed off to the idea. I felt that I had spent months just pleading with him to be kind… asking for him to draw closer to me and asking him to spend time with me. I had wanted to find a babysitter because we had never had one and he had said there was no need… and now I would have to find a babysitter to go to counseling? I didn’t feel that it could even help.
So along the same issue of babysitters… If we were not going to be together I knew I wasn’t going to be dating. I knew that I was not going to be leaving my children with strangers so that I could go out and explore meeting different strangers. That was never going to happen. That’s how I began talking to someone I already knew. And actually I had previously been engaged to him some 14 years prior. Where my husband had constantly said he didn’t care to be with me, here was someone saying he had always wanted to be with me. Pretty much I figured that if my husband was not going to choose to love me and his family was going to act like I was not worth keeping, I would have no choice but to move on. I had no car of my own. I had not worked in three years. I did not want to work and be apart from the kids. We attended church together. I saw everything as coping with my situation and providing some kind of new security for my kids. I was blinded and did not even see adultery as the sin that it is when I eventually chose that path. Putting my whole self into a new relationship seemed like an instant solution- but it was not a solution at all.
There became issues in this new relationship and the beginning of June I began to gain some clarity to the fact that things would not be ‘better’ in this new situation. I was planning to pull back from the relationship after having a bad weekend, and found out the next day on a Monday that I had become pregnant. We continued to make plans to be together, but I increasingly felt that I had really messed up. I had already spent weeks crying because I couldn’t keep my marriage together to begin with- crying because he gave me up and didn’t try to grab me back. But I soon found myself crying because my husband was in a new relationship- I had been distracted enough while focusing on trying to build something new that I had not yet been concerned about the fact that my husband had a girlfriend. That was a level of clarity that hit hard. I didn’t want my husband feeling that he loved another woman. Suddenly I found myself crying because I wanted my family back together- crying that I couldn’t turn back from where things had ended up. I had ruined our chances for restoration. I felt that if there was any way to get my husband back, I would do it.
This is hard to say. My shame and despair brought me to thoughts I never thought I would have. I knew exactly when I had conceived, exactly how far along I was. It was only a week after implantation- wasn’t it nothing at this point?, I wanted to convince myself. I had miscarried the year before and this child was much less developed. Why should this one live when that one didn’t? -When I wanted that one so badly and considered this one a mistake. Could I possibly live with myself if I terminated?... The father of this child had a girlfriend when he was young who aborted his first child. That child would have turned 18 this year, and it’s a pain he still carries. I couldn’t possibly put him through that again. so, Could I abort and say that I had miscarried? -Would he know? Could I take the herbs that cause miscarriage? Could I live with myself knowing I caused a miscarriage? That would still be abortion, and I knew that the children I already had and loved were once merely zygotes themselves. Ultimately, these feelings did pass. I knew that another bad decision would not make right the first one, and that a life with a potential had been created- not just a potential life. It was horrible to have had these thoughts. But I also had suddenly gained a deeper understanding about abortion. I realized that my main reason for wanting abortion would be to try to undo my mistake. To take back my failure. This was about shame. This was about being at a point where I could say ‘Well, I just totally ruined my life.’ And feeling that not even God could make things better. He certainly couldn’t have a hand in this. This was too big. Too bad. Too irreversible. Too unforgiveable. And maybe most women who choose to terminate these tiny lives are running from themselves. Looking for a way to undo a mistake. Trying to forget their failure. Trying to get past their shame. Trying to heal their hearts in some way. But abortion doesn’t do that. A doctor can’t offer that. Only God can do that.
I did not think my husband would ever want me back. Once I realized exactly what I had done I really could not expect that he should want me back either. I felt like the last baby duck in a row that I had picked up in my yard as a child, brought into the house, and presented to my mom. She had sympathetically said ‘Oh, Jen. You can’t do that. If you pick up a baby duck the mom won’t want it back and she may not care for it anymore.’ I had been like that duck, finding itself in the wrong place and not knowing its fate. I needed my husband in my life. The more I really understood the depths of what adultery does to a relationship, the more I realized why God wants to keep us from that pain. I knew that God could forgive me, I knew because of God’s grace I could forgive myself… but I didn’t know if it would be possible to be forgiven by my husband. I wanted to vomit thinking of him dating his girlfriend and just being kind to her… I couldn’t imagine how it would feel for him to know I was pregnant. But then at the end of this month, only a couple weeks after I found out, my husband and I did get back together. It was extremely emotional but extremely beautiful. We had such a restored appreciation for each other and I had never been so thankful. I’m still extremely thankful.
I initially began preparing this speech for the rally that ended last November. At the date of that Fall closing rally I was 25 weeks pregnant with what I still considered to be an unwanted pregnancy. I had stood here outside this clinic in tears with a good friend during that 40 days, in prayer for the women, in prayer for Carhart… in prayer for myself. I had felt that I had a message to share about shame. About how it really is that women come to seek abortion as a ‘solution’, about my decision to not be consumed by that shame, and about God’s redeeming grace. But instead, at that time, God used my enthusiasm for wanting to have a message to dive me into what I sought as ‘research’ but was really books and scripture that in turn gave me peace and made me strong. A strength that I needed when at 20 weeks I learned that there was a 50% chance that my child would receive a defective chromosome from the father and be born with a genetic disease. This was something I did not know until I was five months pregnant. I am just being honest when I say… although I knew I’d never do it, my thoughts returned to Carhart. Just knowing that abortion after 20 weeks was possible. And by law, a genetic issue also makes it legal. I still didn’t feel that I wanted this child- but again, shame atop shame was not going to save me. And eliminating the chance for God to intercede to make things right was not going to help this child. -so I settled on the thought that God would make sure my child was healthy. She didn’t end up having that genetic issue, by the way.
The next four months were a bit harder. As I progressed in the pregnancy, it became harder for my husband. I used to love those big blue ikea shopping bags- they are the best for easily toting a big load of laundry- but they are also ideal for collecting all of your essentials and heading out the door. Even now, the sight of a full ikea bag can make me feel ill. We still had much healing that needed to take place and that healing was still my priority. I knew how much I loved my husband, knew it more than I ever had before, and I really wanted us to be close and be a family. It got to be January and the baby would soon be here.
*THIS IS MY DAUGHTERS STORY*
I had been having contractions but they were mild. I had never had contractions at home before because my previous babies had been induced. I had been hoping to convince the doctors to induce me on Friday January 24th because I would be exactly 37 weeks which is considered full term. In fact any time someone asked how many weeks I had left I would tell them how many weeks were left counting only up to 37 weeks, not the 40 weeks due date. My water broke on Wednesday January 22nd, the Anniversary of Roe V. Wade. I had been wanting to go to DC to the Right to Life March and hang out with Destiny from New Wave Feminists and possibly meet Brian of the Stand True Pro-Life Outreach -both people whom I adore- but I was glad that I had chosen not to when the day was over. (When they posted pictures of themselves together, tho, I vowed to make that happen next year.) The fluid I had lost was just a little bit but I knew I wasn’t peeing myself, which is usually the assumption. The Anniversary of Roe V. Wade is also my sisters birthday and she was turning 21. Instead of celebrating her birthday with friends, she drove to my house once I told her my water had broken. I got the ‘are you really really sure?’ And I told her that I was ‘really really sure’… that I wasn’t urinating.
I knew to not go to the hospital too soon and so we tried to sleep but the contractions kept me awake. The next morning we arrived at the local hospital where I had been trying to convince the doctors to induce me and I cheerily announced that my water had broken the night before. I was like ‘Water broke, We are good to go!’ They took an ultrasound and told me that my water had not broken, then sent me home. I explained again that I had not lost a lot of fluid but they only said to go to my scheduled apt later that day and talk to the doctor.
Hours later I arrived to the appointment and again tried to make a case for myself. They were still saying my water had not broken and telling me that maybe I could have this baby in a week. I insisted my water had broken. I insisted that an induction be considered. This doctor put in a call to a specialist and even though it was the end of the day, she asked for a favor and that specialist said they would see me that day if I could get across town quickly. If the specialist agreed to induction then I could deliver. When I went there, the ultrasound I had was much more involved than the ones I had previously had. When the tech left the room, my sister commented that she felt that the tech had seen something wrong. I tried not to worry, but the doctor entered and told my sister and I that the baby had a serious heart condition. She referred me to a fetal cardiologist and said to call for an appointment. I again insisted that this baby was coming. I was dilating and 70% effaced… but I had only lost a little bit of fluid so still no one would listen. If I really had broken my water, she said, I should ‘Get to the biggest hospital I could.’ I knew I needed to find a hospital that had fetal cardiologists on call. But I also didn’t know much about local hospitals.
My sister who was with me is the one who had had the nearly fatal car accident. She had been taken to shock trauma at University of Maryland Medical Center in Baltimore where they had saved her life. So this was the first place she called and they assured her that they had fetal cardiologists available. Much later that night we arrived there and after the three frustrating encounters with doctors that day, being awake for thirty some hours straight and having contractions for much of that… I now had to convince this hospital of the urgency and need. At 37 weeks pregnant they were not taking me too seriously. I tried to explain what the specialist had said, and show them the referral paper which had the heart condition jotted on it… but they still didn’t seem to be buying it. I was told that the NICU was currently at full capacity. I was so upset that I began to dress myself to try to go to Johns Hopkins because the nurse said that was the only other level 4 NICU. I could not believe this was happening. She had not found reason to admit me yet and it was then that I lost more water, just a little bit, and she said ‘oh wait, I think you did break your water two nights ago’ …it was now about 2am Friday morning and I was finally admitted to that hospital. The hospital that would save my daughter’s life.
My daughter was born on the date that I had wanted, but she came on her own without intervention. She arrived at 1:28 and three seconds that Friday afternoon. I’m not into numerology by any means but my Birthday is March 28th and those are my favorite numbers. As soon as I heard them say 1:28 and 3 seconds, I had a sense of peace. I heard my sister comment that she was beautiful… and then the baby left the room. My sister had not noticed that she was born without ears. Thinking about it now, I guess it probably seemed weird that I didn’t ask why they took her but I guess I was still worried about her heart and figured they had to care for her. It was several minutes until a nurse brought her to me and showed me that she had no ears. All I could do was say ‘okay.’ I didn’t get to hold her. They left with her again.
After not too long I got to go see her in the NICU. I was exhausted and overwhelmed and soon went back to my room. She was supposed to be perfect. That had been MY plan- I would decide to carry her, I would decide to love her… and God would make her perfect. But instead she was born without ears and nurses were commenting about other details and it was so much to take in. A short time later she had trouble breathing. She was on oxygen but she had to be bagged. They tried to intubate her but couldn’t. She has a syndrome called Pierre Robin which includes an underformed jaw which creates a shortened chin and that creates an abnormal airway but they did not know that yet. They continued to bag her until a skilled anesthesiologist could arrive and intubate her. It was even difficult for her to do with more than 20 years experience. My daughter received a tracheostomy at three days old. The doctor who performed that operation was the one to make it clear to me that had that certain anesthesiologist not been there, my daughter almost certainly would not have survived. I truly believe that she would have perished had she been born at the hospital that I had planned to give birth at. The one where I practically stomped my feet and threw fits at because ‘I’ knew what ‘I’ needed. But God knew what the baby needed.
It was then, when she was three days old, that I had realized how God was caring for us. Every detail… Knowing that my water had broken so my sister had time to drive all the way to me, how many times I was told NO even though I was so upset that no one would listen…The specialist agreeing to see me THAT VERY DAY… God providing an alert on the scan… my sister choosing that hospital… how long it took until I lost the rest of the water… I wouldn’t lose it until I was in the right place. And that very anesthesiologist being available at that very time. God placed us in that hospital by way of an abnormal heart scan. The doctors have never come to me with concerns about her heart. Not once.
Her breathing issue is not something that could have been detected by ultrasound, but He provided all the details to get her where she needed to be. How else could He express to me how He intends to care for us and how He values her life? God is so good and so loving and so gracious. But the story doesn’t end there.
I got to hold her for the first time on February 3rd when she was ten days old. Two days later I was told over the phone that her CAT scan showed severe brain malformation. They said it was a condition called polymicrogyria. An MRI was later performed but they were not able to get very good images at that time but in the meantime they felt they had seen enough. February 10th we had a big meeting with all the doctors and various hospital staff. It was then that they confirmed for us that the polymicrogyria was bilateral and that her intellectual disability would be severe. They said she wouldn’t walk and vision was unlikely and she may not even learn so swallow food. She would be completely dependent on us for care for the entirety of her life. As the meeting closed we were told that we would have to consider a DNR when she is discharged to go home. The message was that she would have no fullness of life. No hearing, no vision, no communication or understanding beyond comfort. If she died a natural death while in my care, that would be ideal. That’s what I felt they were saying.
I had wanted to complete a speech for the opening rally but when I found out how bad her condition was I just didn’t have a message of hope. I couldn’t see any good that would come from her living a life with these limitations. I found myself asking God why He even lined up all the details to save her. Why didn’t He just allow her to be born at the original hospital? What good would it be to anyone for her to be cared for her whole life? How much would this ‘take’ from my other children? What kind of life would it be for her if she has no hearing, no vision, and no understanding? I really struggled at this point with what I believed about the sanctity of human life. I saw her life as a burden, one I was willing to take on, but I didn’t see the purpose of her living a life just for the sake of being alive. But then I would hold her and when you hold her there is nothing else to feel other than to be fully committed to her care at any cost. She is a precious child of God, in any condition. I was only aware of that truth in her presence. When I would leave the hospital, I would lose that peace. This was my reality for the next 8 terrible days…
Then on February 19th more news came by phone. They had taken her for a 2nd MRI and the results were back.
It wasn’t polymicrogyria.
She wasn’t severely mentally disabled.
There was no update on vision at this time and so we thought that little to no vision was still her prognosis. It wasn’t until March 7th at exactly six weeks old, when we met with the doctors and hospital staff again. At this meeting, the neurologist stated that he had nothing negative that he was able to report. The temporal lobe was underdeveloped which is the same area that her ears had not developed. He said there was nothing conclusive that could be said about a small temporal lobe. The possibilities were wide open. What we learned in this meeting that we did not yet know is that the frontal lobe had no abnormalities indicated and vision would quite possibly be unaffected. That was huge. Intelligence and vision meant communication and I was thrilled. After the meeting when I returned to her bed I picked her up and held her close and I realized that it was the first time I had embraced her in that way, breathing in the scent of her little baby head. She was 42 days old. It took 32 days since I had first held her for me to *really* embrace her, knowing that I wanted her in my life and that everything was going to be okay.
I know there is purpose in everything. My favorite scripture for years has been Psalm 139:16 “All the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be.” All the days. Not just the days that we do the right thing. Not only the days before we mess up. And that’s not just a statement of our mistakes not being a surprise to God, but also a statement of this child’s purpose. This scripture follows the popular Psalm 139:13 which says “You created my inmost being. You knit me together in my Mother’s womb.” Yes, three lines later it says “Your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be.” That is not only speaking of some children. That is true of them all.
So, what then of my monumental mistake that has changed the course of my life forever? Well, I ask myself- ‘Do I love God?’ and I know that I do. Romans 8:28 says ‘And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God.’ ALL things. Everything that has happened, happens, and will happen. Proverbs 12:21 says ‘Nothing in vain shall happen to the righteous.’ That means that nothing in the life of a person who loves God is random or without purpose. Everything, even those things we do not easily accept… have purpose and are part of God’s plan for the good. What we may consider as infliction is necessary for the good, otherwise it would not be. And who is righteous? We are. We, who believe in Christ Jesus are righteous. Romans 3:26 says God gave us Jesus ‘to demonstrate His righteousness, for He Himself is fair and just, and He declares sinners to be right in his sight when they believe in Jesus.’ Think that still doesn’t apply to you? 1John 1:9 says ‘If we confess our sins, God is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.’ So again, I say, we are righteous and because we love God, ALL things have a purpose toward good. Remember that plan to prosper you and not harm you? This is it. This is your hope and your future.
But surely had I never sinned in that way, had I never made a choice to commit adultery, then I would have been blessed with a better life somehow. …Right? Actually, no. It is very easy for us to think that way and to tell ourselves that we missed out on God’s intended plan for our lives… that his intentions for us start out full and wonderful and each time we sin we miss out on more and more. There’s a feeling that we deserve less and less of His goodness and grace upon our lives. Afterall, we were saved long ago (I know I was) and since then, well… we still aren’t perfect. He knew we never would be.
So, have we answered the question yet of whether or not it is possible to ruin God’s intended plan for our lives? I’ve got a bit of a secret for you. Failure is necessary.
Failure is necessary because through failure we gain inner clarity. Often we live our lives pretending that we are better than we are. That is because it can hurt to see ourselves as we really are. It’s easier to make excuses. It’s easier to search for ways to excuse our own behavior and choices. Like ‘Oh, I did commit adultery… but it wasn’t my fault because…’ And you know, we can always find someone we feel is worse, to draw attention from ourselves. But while we are busy deceiving ourselves, we have no use for God. So God’s plan is to let us experience the consequences. He lets us come face to face with how broken we really are. And when we see how broken we really are, we realize how much we need Him. I was in the rock bottom wreckage of my decision, with so much regret saying ‘If I had just done this differently… If I had only not done that…’ but what I didn’t realize is that it had to come to this. The consequences I have faced have been required for clarity. It had to get to that point for me to know so strongly the depth of my need. When we understand the depths of our brokenness, we can appreciate the heights of his mercy.
And there is yet another reason why our failure is a necessity. Mercy. Grace. Do you know the difference? Mercy is deliverance from judgment, grace is kindness shown to the unworthy. Failure is necessary for God’s grace to have full effect after we have accepted His mercy. To move on from here with our marriage, it will take an ability not look back constantly on the bad feelings. It will take not letting regret hold us there like an anchor. Phillipians 3:13 says ‘Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead’…‘I press on.’ Only grace can do that. Paul understood this well. In 1Corinthians 15:10 he says ‘But whatever I am now, it is all because God poured out his special favor on me- and not without results. For I have worked harder than any of the other apostles; yet it was not I but God who was working through me by his grace.’ In 1Timothy 1:14 he says ‘The grace of our Lord was poured out on me abundantly, along with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus.’ Then he says ‘Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners--of whom I am the worst.’ And he continues by saying ‘But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe on him and receive eternal life.’ And that’s exactly it. We become examples. If you ever wonder if you’ve missed out on God’s ‘Plan A’ for your life- YOU are God’s ‘Plan A’ to reaching another person’s life. There is no plan B.
I haven’t ruined my life. The best is still ahead. God has brought me to this point to make something beautiful of my life. Just look at me here, before you, with my heart on fire for God. He not only forgives my sin and continues to love me but he rejoices in how I draw near, where he wants me. I have a better vision of how to be and how to live and how to love others. I’ve called the doctors at their offices and expressed to them how they have each been instrumental in saving my daughter’s life. I have made sure I gave that credit to God, explaining how God has used them. God has placed me where I need to be. I have been drawn into a wonderful church. I have found myself on a sidewalk amongst believers. I’m literally here today praising God… as a result of my sin. That sin was necessary.
Paul considered himself the ‘worst of the worst’ when it came to being a sinner. Who do you picture to be ‘worst of the worst’ when it comes to sin? Honestly, I wouldn’t think of myself first. Easily our minds may go to someone like Mr. Leroy Carhart. Right? Well, I’m not here to debate if all sins are equal or not but this I know for sure… ALL SIN leads to eternal damnation. God provides the law and when we break that law through sin then we are sinning against Him.
Romans 3:19 explains the purpose of the law given to everyone is to keep us from excuses.
3:20-24 continues: for no one can ever be made right with God by doing what the law commands. The law simply shows us how sinful we are. but now God has shown us a way to be made right with Him without keeping the requirements of the law. we are made right with God by placing our faith in Jesus Christ. And this is true for everyone who believes, no matter who we are. for everyone has sinned; we ALL FALL SHORT of the glory of God. yet God, with undeserved kindness, declares that we are righteous. He did this through Christ Jesus when he freed us from the penalty for our sins.
All those years ago when I wrote that speech, I used Proverbs 24. ‘Rescue those who are unjustly sentenced to die; save them as they stagger to their death. Don’t excuse yourself by saying ‘Look, we did not know.’ For God understands all hearts, and sees you. He who guards your soul knows you knew. He will repay all people as their actions deserve.’
Mr. Carhart, I am here to remind you. And I’m here to offer that God’s grace is sufficient. His power is made perfect in weakness. The huge pile of sin can become but kindling for a fire of God’s grace. In Luke Jesus tells this story- A man loaned about month’s wages to one man and about a year’s wages to another. But neither of the men could repay him, so he forgave the men of both debts. Then he asks… ‘Who do you think loved the money lender more?’ and when the story is told, Simon answers that he supposes it is the man who had the larger debt forgiven.
Yes. Exactly.
‘Those who are forgiven little, love little. Those who are forgiven much, love much.’
Mr Carhart- I offer, …that you may not have ruined your life. I suggest, …that my God says there is hope for even you. And perhaps, …especially you.
My daughter’s name is Jocelyn Everly. It means Rejoice Always or Joyous Forever. I’ve chosen 2Corinthians 4:18 for her. ‘We don’t look at the troubles we can see right now; rather, we look forward to what we have not yet seen. For the troubles we see will soon be over, but the joys to come will last forever.’
I will close by saying, ‘My hope is built on nothing less, than Jesus Christ, my righteousness.’
